girls literally only want one thing..
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
pizza
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.