It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules