A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
You Might Also Like
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Great Canadian literature.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
New mindset, who dis?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.