My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set