Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
multitasking lunch
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me