Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
You Might Also Like
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.