My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
calling in to work dehydrated
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello