“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Squirrels before girls.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.