Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you