(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.