This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.