“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
These aliens are taking forever.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment