That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?