Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.