A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
You Might Also Like
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
fixed it
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Don’t snitch tag.
Word!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
excuse me
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying