me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft