humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century