“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Every work meeting this week
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy