Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex