COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory