Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
We found love in a hopeless place.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!