My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.