mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.