I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.