I need better friends
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.