As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.