Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
B
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!