Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
(after sex)
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The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Yup!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!