Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
dutch is not a serious language
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model