Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.