Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.