You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My dress code is business-casualty.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
stand with me against insufficient seating
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess