10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.