Why I divorced her.
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when dads have a rap battle
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The devil.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Noted.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”