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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.