I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
sry
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”