An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.