“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The Assassin.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.