Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
So sick of all these stupid rules
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I need a headline like this
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again