flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The news
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.