[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”