me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
True
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
much to think about
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”