Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.