I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.