*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
BRO LMFAO
My brain is a bad influence on me
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)