I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.