I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!