Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Reporter: *ports again*
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed