Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
You Might Also Like
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
bad news gang
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.