The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
can I use a minion as a tampon
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no